


You Could Be Happy

by BallumOasis



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21877201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BallumOasis/pseuds/BallumOasis
Summary: Fic based on the lyrics from You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 12





	You Could Be Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!
> 
> firstly i wanted to say thank you to you all for the reception to my first few fics.
> 
> i’m back again with another little song fic. i don’t really know how much people enjoy them, but as i’m enjoying writing them i thought i’d just get them out as and when.
> 
> this hasn’t been proof read so sorry for any mistakes, i blame autocorrect. also lowercase is intended
> 
> as always, lyrics can be found in brackets 
> 
> enjoy!

(you could be happy   
and i won’t know  
but you weren’t happy the day i   
watched you go)

he’d gone. the scene played through bens head over and over again. he couldn’t believe it. everything was a blur, he didn’t want to remember what had happened. he wanted callum to be happy, yet unbeknownst to himself, callum was more than happy with him, callum had never felt so happy in his 28 years of life. ben hopes that callum would be happy, but he’d never know, considering callum had left the square for good. ben knew that callum wasn’t happy the day he left. he could see it in his eyes, tears building as he turned without another word spoken between them. ben knee he had to let callum go for him to be truly happy in the long term, even if it did mean sacrificing his own happiness.

(and all the things that i wish i   
had not said  
are played in loops till it’s madness  
in my head)

days turned to weeks turned to months, and still ben couldn’t shake the thoughts from his memory. the events of the day in questions were carved into his brain. he wished more than anything to be able to go back to that day, and do everything differently, to be able to engage mouth and brain together and not speak before thinking of the implications it would have on their relationship. every word he’d uttered played through mind, even months later. every time he closed his eyes, he was transported back there again, and no matter how hard he tried to forget it, how hard he tried to drown out the thoughts by abusing substances, they would still be there waiting for him again.

(is it too late to remind you  
how we were  
but not our last days of silence  
screaming blur) 

in a futile attempt to get callum back home, ben would send message after message, leave voicemail after voicemail. the messages would contain a memory of happier times, and a guilt trip about how lexi was missing her ‘daddy callum’. tears pricked bens eyes as he left voicemails to callum, his voice often breaking mid sentence, low sniffles and sobs could be heard. every message made him remember the silence between them in the days leading up to their breakup, the screaming haunted him as he sat in their flat alone. he would see blurry images of the events in each corner of every room. 

(most of what i remember  
makes me sure  
i should have stopped you from walking  
out the door)

ben had regretted every bad decision he’d made while they were together. only one would haunt his dreams though, the one from that day. the one where he had the chance to grab callum’s wrist and pull him back inside before he’d shut the door. but of course, ben being ben didn’t do anything about it and just let it happen. then again, he hadn’t expected callum to go without taking any of his clothes or belongings with him. remembering the happier times slowly made ben see that he’d made the biggest mistake he could ever make. and now, he had no way to fix it.

(you could be happy  
i hope you are  
you made me happier than i’d  
been by far)

callum had made ben the happiest he’d ever been. the times they shared were beyond anything ben had ever expected to experience. he’d never expected to have been with someone like callum, who was way to good for the likes of ben. but, while the dynamic was different, they’d worked. they were happy, ben was able to feel a sense of domestication, and been able to show callum off to his family, gaining the approval he so desperately craved from his dad. being together allowed callum to be himself for the first time in his life, he didn’t have to hide behind anyone else, he could be proud and happy with someone he could see a proper future with, someone he could smile at for no reason, someone he could spend every second of everyday with and still love them more tomorrow. every night, ben would lay in their bed, holding the bear callum had won him at the fair on one of their first dates. he hoped callum was happy, wherever he was. he hoped callum was moving on, with someone who loved and cared for him as much as ben now knew he did.

(somehow everything i own  
smells of you  
and for the tiniest moment  
it’s all untrue)

no matter how much ben cleaned the flat, remnants of callum still remained. his clothes still hung in the wardrobe, his shampoo still sat on the side of the bath, everything was just as it was before he’d left. the worst part was that every piece of clothing ben owned had adopted callum’s scent, and he couldn’t get it to go, it haunted him like a ghost. everyday he would get ready to leave for the car lot, putting on his grey checkered jacket. and everyday he would take one inhale of breath, and for a split second, everything was normal. he could hear the faint sounds of callum shouting a goodbye from the kitchen, humming along to the radio, the ghostly touch of callum’s arms around his waist, callum’s breath against his neck. for the tiniest second, the events of the past few weeks are all untrue and forgotten.

(do the things that you always  
wanted to  
without me there to hold you back  
don’t think just do)

ben could now only hope that callum was happy elsewhere. he hoped callum was doing all the things they’d planned to do together, without him being there to weigh him down, plague and poison him. he hoped that somewhere, callum had begun his police training. ben knew how much public service meant to callum. the army had played a massive part in moulding and shaping callum into the man he was. the policing was a career goal and new challenge that callum had got stuck right into. ben had promised to change, but he knew he’d hold callum back from being his best, considering his dad had stuck his claws in ben again and made changing impossible. ben knew that letting callum walk out that door was for the best thing for him, he wouldn’t be poisoned or plagued by the mitchell family dealings.

(more than anything i want to  
see you girl  
take a glorious bite out  
of the whole world)

the feeling of regret intensified as time passed. ben was a mess without callum, he needed him to function correctly. he needed to see callum, to know he was ok, to feel his lips against his, to have him by his side again. callum was bens drug, he needed him. even if it was just for one more minute, he would be happy, he’d be content then. no wonder callum’s scent lingered through the flat, ben needed it to feel close to callum. he’d sleep with his face buried in callum’s pillow, wear one of callum’s shirts to smell his aftershave, to imprint the scent into his brain. he’d even started using callum’s shampoo, the lavender smell allowing him to feel a split second sense of calmness. 

ben hoped callum was happy, wherever he was.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> please leave any feedback, good or bad, and also be sure to leave suggestions.
> 
> once again, thank you for taking the time to read them, your support is greatly appreciated:)


End file.
